Continuing the conversation with Barbara Ann Sharon, Chief Learning Officer with the Training Edge talks about the Don'ts of Generous Listening.
It seems a little silly to list out the “don’ts of generous listening because if you were doing what needs to be done, then the don’ts wouldn’t appear. But, as we are learning to become better generous listeners, it means that we are not doing very specific things. We are more focused on listening to the other person for better understanding and to learn something new.
So, this blog may be a short one as we explore the don’ts of generous listening.
First, let me restate what generous listening is. Generous listening is the top level of all types of listening. It is the pure giving of yourself to better understand someone else. Generous listening is beyond the popularity of “active” listening. It is truly being generous and giving the other person undivided attention and gift of understanding. The "don'ts" of generous listening focus on behaviors that hinder good and effective communication. It can make the speaker feel undervalued or misunderstood. It can damage relationships and make the other person feel small. Here are key actions to avoid:
Don’t Interrupt:
Cutting off the speaker or finishing their sentences disrupts their train of thought and sends the message that their perspective isn’t important. Resist the urge to jump in, even if you think you know what they’re going to say. It is better to let them share their insight to best understand.
Don’t Judge or Criticize:
Let’s face it. People don’t like to feel judged or criticized. Avoid forming premature judgments or making dismissive comments. Let it all play out. Generous listening requires creating a safe space where the speaker feels free to express themselves without fear of being belittled or criticized.
Don’t Get Distracted:
This is the hardest part of “what not to do.” When you divert your attention to checking your phone, glancing at your watch, or letting your mind wander you show disinterest. Stay focused and present throughout the conversation to give respect and engagement.
Don’t Make Assumptions:
Avoid assuming you know what the speaker is going to say or projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto their message. Let’s face it. We have often put down someone else by saying, “That’s nothing! Let me tell you about MY experience!” What this communicates is that you think your experience is more important than someone else’s. Let the speaker fully express their viewpoint before drawing conclusions. Even better yet… there will be conversations where conclusions are not necessary or expected. Imagine that!
Don’t Offer Unsolicited Solutions:
Jumping in with advice or solutions, especially when the speaker hasn’t asked for it, can make them feel dismissed or misunderstood. Instead, focus on listening to understand their needs and feelings before offering help. What I find myself doing later in the conversation is to simply ask, “Are you looking for my opinion or do you want me to listen to understand?” This will provide you better insight to what success looks like from their point of view.
Don’t Dismiss or Minimize Feelings:
Statements like "It’s not a big deal" or "You’re overreacting" can invalidate the speaker’s emotions. Even if you don’t agree, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and perspective with empathy. This is a tricky one. What I find myself doing is to try to identify the feeling or emotion that they may be experiencing and use that to validate. I may say something like, “That must have been frustrating.” They then agree or they correct with the emotion that they are truly experiencing, so I then know how to respond next.
By avoiding these "don’ts," you can create a more open, empathetic, and productive listening environment, encouraging honest and meaningful dialogue. Notice that I did not say that this practice is always easy. There will definitely be times when you have a strong emotion. With practice, you will find the right time to share your emotions. Wait and then wait some more. With generous listening, it is not about breaking communication but rather it’s about improving it.
For more information on Generous Listening, contact Barbara Ann at basharon@trainingedge.com or 610.454.1557